No Turning Back

Three years ago today with a one-way ticket in hand, I boarded a plane and, metaphorically speaking, not really knowing when it was going to land.  My destination was Switzerland, but by no means did my journey end here. Although I did not give my departure date much thought when Raphael and I booked the plane ticket, I do not find it a coincidence that the day I moved out of my parents for the first time and arrived in Switzerland was also America’s national Independence Day. (The details of the process of deciding to move is a long story that I’ll save for another time.) The last two anniversaries were emotional with mixed feelings, but this year I can reflect and be grateful for what I could not have learned otherwise.

The past three years I have known many friends who have gotten married, friends who became parents, friends who went away for college, friends who also battled homesickness and major life changes. For those friends I have had this blog in mind, because I know well the battle of loneliness and change.

I would like to say I was 100 percent confident of the decision to move, or that I wasn’t scared, or that I was even ready, or that I had big plans all nicely laid out.

The truth is, I moved 6,000 miles across the world simply trusting God, and trusting Raphael would fulfill his promise and marry me.  All the details of where we would live, where I would work, and how we would “make it” was not set up. (GASP!)  In other words, when I moved I was in no financial place to get married, with over 40 grand in school loans, unemployed, moving to a foreign country barely knowing the language, in order to ultimately marry a man I had seen every 6 months or so for 3 years.  Yep, pretty much sums it up. Sound like wisdom? That’s up to you to decide.

My parents and family insisted on knowing would have loved to know those things before I moved, but the only thing I knew was that God is faithful.  Just like trusting Him with prior life decisions, this was just another opportunity. And, I also had sort of told everyone since high school, “When I graduate from college, I’m outta the country!” There you have it: the sense of knowing I would live in another country and the boldness to claim it, a relationship with a wonderful godly man, the sinking American economy that drove me to look elsewhere, and the faith in Jesus…. Led me here. Or as my mom simply explains it: “providence.”

In making any major life-changing decision, I knew there was no turning back.  The famous hymn “I have decided to follow Jesus” became sort of a joke between my husband and I, after my humorous father-in-law looked at me one day and sang jokingly, “I have decided to marry Ra-a-phi….no turning back, no turning back.” I sang it to my husband, but all silliness aside I knew in my heart…there really was no turning back.

The first winter was extremely tough for us. Raphael was very stressed finishing another tough semester of medical school while recovering from a serious knee injury. I was busy job hunting, preoccupied with planning another wedding reception in San Diego. As well we were figuring out just how to live life together. Honestly, I wish I could say I experienced a newlywed bliss in the first few months. The reality was that I was under tremendous pressure to learn German and find a job, feeling my parents’ disappointment, torn by homesickness to be back in San Diego where it was “easy,” fighting everyday not to give up, and wrapping my mind around what “marriage” all really means. Up until that point in my life I had never physically experienced panic attacks nor heart attack symptoms, yet I experienced them nearly a month long. I hardly believe any immigrant when they tell me the beginning wasn’t all that hard. Okay, you just conveniently forgot because it probably really was terrible. Then when I eventually found a job, I experienced another tough season of discrimination and bullying.

A few years later (don’t worry, loving marriage and life here!), all those struggles and terrible thoughts seem distant.  But when you’re in the middle of it, sometimes you wonder how it will turn out.  However, you just have to make up your mind that there is no turning back. In three years Raphael and I have seen God’s continual faithfulness and provision in job promotions, finances, health, restoring family relationships, and so much more.

Lot’s wife, upon their fleeing their home town, was warned not to turn back. She disobeyed and it cost her her life. Why? Because there is no turning back to your old life or the person who you were before. There is no turning back, because life is not about you now. There is no turning back, because you are a new creation. Cease dwelling on the ‘good and easy life’ you had before xyz happened, because simply, there’s only the future ahead of you and the opportunities now that you must consider. The reward is there when you keep moving forward.

Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.  Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:12-14, NASB

Author: desirae

Sali zämme, I am an American and since 2013 my love story has landed me in die Schweiz. I'm a mother to three wonderful boys. I enjoy baking, crocheting, and creating. I keep it real and want to serve God by serving and loving others. I hope this blog is an avenue to bless others! View all posts by desirae